Monday, February 6, 2012

Getting to the Source

Is it just me or are Mondays hard for everyone?

Well, this particular morning was especially hard for me. You know the mornings where you are filled with dread for no specific reason. There's a heaviness in the air and it has wrapped it's way around your heart- a bit suffocating.

That's the one.

There are probably several factors that lead to this type of morning.  This time I happen to know where my "feeling" came from. It is a weed distrust in God I have planted in my heart. A stupid weed of sin that is threatening the fruits and growth in my life. I was hoping I wouldn't see anymore weeds of distrust spring up. I was hoping I had grown past that. Yet, here I am at that familiar "crossroads" fighting with my flesh over what to do.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28)

He can handle my distrust of Him. I'm tempted to hide it from Him- He would be hurt, He would be disappointed in me, and He would know I failed again- I'm a flake.

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall (Psalm 55:22)

I repeat, He can handle my/your/our distrust. Y'all, I'm determined to learn this lesson, but I have had to turn it over to my Lord, who can work trust in my heart. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get it right on my own. *There's ya sign, genius (I'm talking to myself here)* It can't be done on my own. Hmmm it's starting to make sense now.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God (Hebrews 12:2).

I don't know how long it will take for this not to be a struggle for me, but I'm going to keep praying and laying my burdens down at His feet. It's all I know to do.

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Selah (Psalm 68:19).

In His Name,


Courtney said...

This was beyond all previous blogs for me, sweet Jen. You are getting more comfortable with your downright honesty and it hit home so much for me this morning.

I'm really in tears. This morning has been awful. So has this weekend. I'm just so tired and weary. I've been fighting, yet so tired of fighting. I'm sick of nearly everything and finding every semblance of control slipping through my fingers. I'm finding that I have no idea what in the world I'm doing, yet I'm running in half a billion directions, thinking I'm accomplishing something. But I'm sowing to the wind. Everything around me is pushing and pulling and seeking an answer from me and I've got nothing. I can't fix people. I can't even fix my own problems. Only He can do that, but we've gotta agree with Him on that fact before He'll work with us to change us. I think.

And it all stems from a lack of trust that He is the God who says, "I will" and "I shall" not "I might" or "Possibly...maybe."

I so wanna appear strong (I SO wanna be strong!) yet He calls for weakness. For singlemindedness. For steadfastness. For foolishness to the world.

Grace and joy come from thankfulness. I forget that. In the middle of running to work, to the gym, to church, to bible study, to pick up so-and-so, to making dinner, to running to this ministry or that ministry, or trying to meet up with so-and-so, to working someone else's shift, to remembering loads of laundry, to forgetting the directions and getting lost...I'm tired. I forget to be all here. I forget that He is the God who meets us in the present. The God who is I AM.

And I forget to trust Him. Of all my sins, perhaps this is the most offensive.

Jennifer said...

Court, the other day I was complaining or something about how weak I was in some area. God stopped me short. I knew God was speaking to me (sternly): "I use you in your weakness". Suddenly, "He is made strong in our weakness" made more sense to me. And you comment is just another reminder of that.

I'm sorry it's been one of those weeks. I know those days-weeks-months. They're miserable.

I think we have to get to the point where we have no control, where everything is slipping through our fingers, to really realize we never did have control.

He is good. He is faithful. He is the Creator. He is the sustainer. He is...

And we don't trust Him.

I want to get this right, but I stuggle.

I'm praying for you, Court!