Monday, April 30, 2012

My Name is...and I Struggle with....

Hello. My names is Jennifer, and I am a control freak.

Yep. That's my struggle. Until recently I thought it was just part of who I was. Now, I'm realizing that it is sin problem that has had seriously implications in my life. Control is that underlying problem that keeps me awake when I want to sleep. It's that nagging voice that fills me with fear, and leaves me useless.The anxiety that fills my chest with it's ache? Yep, a side effect of a much bigger control problem.

My life in this season is anything but controllable. Unpredictable is the word I would use to describe the place I am right now. That or "hard". Okay, and "hard". But I think the factor that makes it hard is more than my circumstances- it's my control issues over my circumstances that causes this ache.

I don't mean to control. But somehow that seems safe. When in reality, that's not an intelligent assumption. If I believe in God the way I say I do, then I have to know that I am safe. Not because my circumstances, my heart, or my life is safe, but because I have a fortress.

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.” (Psalm 91:2)

I'm tempted to try to write out the ways I work to control my life, but honestly, the issues are too deep, and I'm too tired to dig my way there right now. I'm sure you know. I'm sure you've been there- are there. Do you want to know what I think about this place right here in the brokenness? I think it stinks. I also think it's where God wants me. This place is where I can heal. When I'm broken, He can put me on that potter wheel of His and mold me. I want that. I want to be molded- changed. Being a control freak is not fun. There is no freedom in it.

If I'm going to be a slave to anything in my life, it is going to be to righteousness not sin.

Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness (Romans 6:16-18).

But I can't control my way into that. I've tried behavior changes without a heart change with no success. I need Him. Can't control everything, right? Or anything really.

It's a hard lesson, but one I want to learn inside out. I've learned so much about God's faithfulness in the past two years. I believe that this season of brokenness is only making me stronger in Him. Everything that I has been thrown in my lap is not beyond Him. I don't think I have ever loved Him in this way before in my life. It's a love that trusts Him enough to ask the hard questions. No, I haven't perfected any of the lessons He's taught me. I haven't grown in my love for Him and trust for Him enough to stop the anxiety. What I have learned is that He can handle me- all of me- controlling tendencies and all. He can make me new.

When I began to pray a series to do here on the blog, I had no idea how God was going to work in my life through it, or how I was going to witness Him working in your life through it. I'm humbled by your comments and your emails. It's funny: I received an email from almost every single guest blogger in this series telling me how much they were enjoying reading the other guest bloggers' posts. Thank you for reading and thanks to each of our guest bloggers!! Thank you, Lord, for always working in our obedience.

In His Name,


Rebecca said...

"It's a love that trusts Him enough to ask the hard questions." Girl, I am so there right now! Sometimes I don't ask because I know I'm not ready for the answer, like somehow not asking will make the issue not exist anymore. That is a control issue if I've ever seen one! I always thought of bondage as a struggle with overt sins, but I think these thought patterns and personality flaws are some of the toughest things to overcome. Keep hanging in there! And thank you for sharing your heart! :)

Jennifer said...

I think you are right, Becca. It's those underlying, sneaky, and overt sins that do the greatest damage and the hardest ones to recognize. Thanks, Bec!